Grief
It is one of the most confusing emotions to navigate. Grief comprises so many other emotions including anger, sadness, shock, numbness, disappointment, happiness, relief, and denial. It’s a spinning wheel game at a carnival. You never know what it will land on. The probability of it landing on the same emotion two times in a row is highly unlikely. The first spin will give you an unhealthy dose of denial and the next will land your ass directly on sadness. Keep your head on a swivel because you never know when it’s about to smack you in the face. Social media became my face smacker. There were so many memories of my loss, quotes and posts about grief, and so many reminders of what I had lost. Watching everyone else move on while it felt impossible to do the same was tough to watch every time I picked up my phone. People say that grief is the receipt you carry for the love. Thanks, but I’d like to use that receipt, return my grief and get my love back. Apparently sales are final with grief. You’re stuck with the receipt and all the unexpressed love you still have that doesn’t have anywhere to go, because the one you want to give your love to is gone.
When I force myself to look at the good that has come with grief, I feel guilty as hell for trying to see the positives. The song by Tracy Lawrence, “You Find Out Who Your Friends Are” (yes, I’m exposing myself as a closeted country music lover) has been in the forefront of my mind for a month. The lyrics could not be more true: “somebody’s gonna drop everything, run out and crank up their car, hit the gas, get there fast, never stop to think, ‘what’s in it for me?’ or ‘it’s way too far’ they just show on up with their big old heart”. Although grief can feel lonely, and I will touch on that feeling later, I never truly felt alone. Friends, family, colleagues, acquaintances, a neighbor who I barely talk to, former students, players and coworkers, etc. have shown up from near and far in so many beautiful ways. I want to highlight the good that comes with grief for a couple reasons. First, as acknowledgement and appreciation, but also to give others ways in which they can show up. Grief is so incredibly icky that some people just don’t know how to be there for their people. I hope something can be taken away or give you an idea of what it looks like to be there for someone.
In the thick of it, I had people texting, calling and FaceTiming every single day. Just having people that were accessible to me through the phone, who allowed me to cry one moment and then watched me sit in silence and have nothing to say the next moment was vital. They sat with me while grief was visiting me and I needed that deeply. My parents drove two hours, one way, multiple times to be here, staying late into the night only to make that drive back home. A friend showed up and sat in the parking lot of the Vet without me knowing, so that someone was there when I walked back to my car. They showed up to help, they listened to me cry, they distracted me with Christmas and NYE festivities, nail appointments, and offers to join their family over the holiday. Her parents even bought us dinner one night. Friends sent groceries, emotional support carrot cake, gift cards, flowers, gummies to calm me and powders to hydrate me (it’s not what you think lol), books, beautiful and thoughtful cards and gifts of memoriam. A friend changed their flight to spend less than twenty-four hours with me just to cook some meals and help clean my house. Another friend was ready to buy plane tickets for me to fly to them. My best friend drove two hours one way to be here, came into my house, saw that I was sleeping and just sat next to me until I woke up. Another set up a GoFundMe to help with a medical bill that reached just over twenty thousand dollars. Over one hundred people donated to that!? I’m not sure I could name one hundred people off the top of my head if asked. That’s the beauty of people showing up for others. You may not see each other or even talk often, but you’ve made connections with people along the way and that stays with you. Not just in times of celebration, but in times of anguish and need. There were countless social media comments and messages. At first, it was painful to read them all. It made everything that happened real and I was still in the denial stage. Recently, reading them all brought peace and comfort. Reflecting on the support, love and care makes me believe the mindset of “if they wanted to they would have”. My people went above and beyond for me to make sure I was (and still am) never alone with grief because they wanted to. Thank you for sitting with me and allowing me to feel everything I was feeling.
Grief is something that has acted as a “reset” button. Relationships with people that may have been rocky or distant hit the reset button. Grief has the power to clear out the tension and distance and allow you to show up for the other with a clean slate and pure intentions. Grief hitting the reset button allowed me to accept love and support from those I felt distanced from. It allows bygones to be bygones.
Now, for the “soul crushing, bring you to your knees, your heart hurts so bad you think you’re dying” side of grief.
It can feel lonely, even though you aren’t alone. It feels like watching everyone around you moving on while you’re stuck in this place and moment in time that you physically cannot get out of or move forward from. People slowly stop checking on you and reaching out. People slowly stop asking about the loss. None of it is malicious. It’s just how it is. You feel left behind. Left behind but not alone. Guess who is right there beside you? Grief. She visits you with a barrage of memories that make you smile and then cry. No, strike that. Cry first and then smile. It’s completely confusing and you never know what to expect so you can’t possibly prepare for grief to visit, but only allow her to come and go as needed. Grief isn’t circular or linear. It’s a tangle of lines going back and forth in all directions. There is no neat and tidy “five phases of grief” that you meticulously move through and then come out healed on the other side. It’s unpredictable sadness and hurt. It’s denial. It’s anger and relief. Somehow you can feel shocked and numb at the same time. Sometimes grief allows happiness to peek its sunshine through the stormy clouds when you’re able to laugh and smile at memories. Grief also brings deep disappointment and then you pop around to all of the above feelings and emotions over and over until you eventually exhaust yourself. I don’t think the grief ever leaves us. I feel like when you move forward after loss, grief is always there. The space between us becomes greater and the frequency in her visits becomes less often. But when she does travel to see us, we still don’t know, and can’t prepare for, the emotion she will bring with her. I think I’m ok with that because it is proof of how great the love was and allows you to always remember it, re-experience it, and honor it.
Before I lost Linc, someone I follow on social media experienced a great loss and began sharing about their grief. She said that grief clarifies things that you weren’t able to see before. She explained, through a series of instagram stories (and I’m paraphrasing here), that a very unexpected side effect to grief is people you thought would be there for you may leave you in the dust, ghost you, ignore you, avoid you or walk away. She said you find out who your true friends are. My good pal, Tracy Lawrence, also sang, “Everybody wants to slap your back, wants to shake your hand, when you’re up on top of that mountain, but let one of those rocks give way, then you slide back down, look up and see who’s around then. You find out who your friends are.” Make sure you look up and focus on who’s still around.
Grief is messy and incredibly unkind. It fucks you on every possible level… emotionally, spiritually, physically. It breaks your heart over and over. With grief, I don’t know what I need or how to “be”. I don’t know how to feel. I don’t know how to say what I feel. Communicating feelings surrounding grief is incredibly frustrating because it all seems to contradict or cancel out previously felt emotions. One moment you can feel happiness when reflecting on memories and it’s immediately canceled by sharp sadness or anger. Everything is changing so unexpectedly and without warning. Don’t apologize for your grief. Feel it and welcome it. It helps you heal. There is nothing wrong with your grief. Dealing with the loss also means you are grieving a major part of who you were, a piece of your heart and your identity. Don’t let anyone tell you how to grieve or that you’re doing it wrong. Grief is unique to the individual. There is not a timeline or path of successful grieving that has been planned and mapped out for us all to follow. “The only cure for grief is to grieve.” -Earl Grollman
Rant over, but still grieving. ♡KT
(if anyone would like more country music song recommendations, hit me up)
