Soulmate

I’ve lost my shadow. A part of me. I’m searching everywhere to get you back.  Every day I feel like I’m on a journey to figure out what I need to do to put you back together.  Maybe an ink paw and nose print, fur clippings and your ashes will be enough of you to magically bring you back to me?

It’s too quiet.  I miss the noise.  Your collar when you shake. The pitter patter of your nails.  Your bark when the neighbors are literally just existing.  I see you everywhere.  I expect to hear you. I expect you to react when I shut my phone off, have french fries, when I crack an egg or drop an ice cube, when I say, “ok”, when a dog walks past our window.  When I open the front door, I instinctively look down to see you wiggling in happiness that I’m home, but the only thing that greets me is the hall floor.  This house feels bigger, emptier, colder, quieter. It lacks love, joy, and laughter.  This house doesn’t feel like home.  I have more room in the bed yet I’ve somehow slept worse. And the squirrels. They are running rampant with no respect for your domain.

You were the best decision I ever made.  My brother and I, getting two brother pups together when we had no business getting dogs.  We named you both after our favorite baseball and football team stadiums. I smile when my cousin calls you Lincoln Financial.  We had no idea at the time, that you boys would steal our hearts.  I joked with the adultier adults in my life who warned me of the responsibility of getting a dog.  I told them they were the ones who instructed me to get you, when in fact they were the ones who cautioned me and told me I should wait. As with most things in life, when I’m told not to do something I must immediately do it and prove everyone wrong.  The joke went like this, “get a dog, they said. It will be great, they said” and it was usually spoken after you did something hilarious, but destructive, or after a costly vet visit. I’m glad I didn’t listen, because the dog I got, really was great.

I got you in my twenties, when I was still growing up and trying to figure out who I was. Many things were changing… where we lived, the people who came and went, priorities, hobbies and interests, significant others, but through it all you were my constant.  You healed my heart after many heartbreaks and stood by me while I fought and struggled to become the best version of myself.  You showed me that unconditional love does exist and I feel so sad for anyone that has never felt that kind of love… the kind you can only get from your dog. You are the epitome of unconditional love.  You were happy to see me every time I came home. Even if I was gone for just five minutes.  I was your world.

You saved me.  It was always just me and you, for twelve years.  You loved me at my worst. My lowest. When humans wouldn’t love me, you did.  You were the reason I would get out of bed in the morning.  I would laugh and feel joy and happiness every single day because of you.  You were funny, goofy and had the silliest personality. I’m so glad I could share you with so many people in my life. You loved a fashionable hat and I can’t tell you how much joy Halloween brought me and so many others who loved to see pictures of you in a ridiculous costume.  You were allowed to come into my school and my classroom and you were spoiled immediately by my principal and loved on by the office staff.  Friends welcomed you and I into their homes, to spend the night, to play with their kids, and to bond with their dogs. One friend (who definitely did not say ‘get the dog’) let me bring you over to her house every single day when you were a puppy because she lived next to my school. I would run over on my lunch break to let you out. You destroyed so many of her flowers and I laugh every time I think about you prancing by her back atrium door, proudly dragging eight feet of drainage pipe that you just dug up from her yard. I loved when friends would visit us, let their kids play with you, or dog sit their fur babies. It was so much fun watching you play with other dogs. I would talk to you often about Wrigley, Levi, Stella, and Gus… the best of doggo friends.  My students knew about you, would get you gifts at Christmas, would stop by after a walk on the rail trail to see you (not me), and much preferred when you would be on camera during our years of virtual teaching.  How lucky am I, that for over two years you were with me while I taught fifth and sixth grade?!  To all of our people who loved you, included you, welcomed you, and knew how much you meant to me and a part of me… thank you for loving Linc so fiercely.  Our people have the funniest stories and memories about you.  It’s filled my heart to hear those stories over the days after you left.  Your grandpawrents loved you so much.  They were with you from the day I brought you home, until your last day.  I loved watching you with them because it was clear you had a bond and would do things with them that were special to just the three of you.  I never had to worry when you were in their care and I know you loved them deeply.

I am thankful that I was able to bring you along on my travels. I loved roadtripping with you, stopping along the way for a quick walk, some water and a bathroom break. You would rarely lay down and try to keep your head on my shoulder the entire drive.  You would block the rearview mirror, so I had to teach you to “get down” off the back seat onto the Jeep floor when I was changing lanes. Your big head would also turn on the light in the back seat and I’d laugh every time I’d have to turn it off again.  We traveled to Manitou Beach, MI where you were a lake dog.  I laugh when I think about you falling into the lake, barking and growling at the fake coyote’s meant to scare off the geese, and wearing the coziest of hats.  We traveled to the mountains in Berkley Springs, WV where you celebrated a 20th high school reunion with two best friends.  You came to Ocean City, MD with me… one of my favorite places with one of my favorite people… and refused to eat until I played with your food first, took walks to the bay every day, and made friends with the neighbor who would love on you from his deck.  You traveled with me to Queens, NY, stayed on Howard Beach where your paws felt the Atlantic Ocean, and then you promptly pooped on the beach, which feels very ‘New Yorker’ of you.  You traveled with me four times to Perrysburg, OH where I made you take pictures next to fake cannons, sit on benches with me and take long walks along the Maumee River. You barked at mannequins and we tried to hide you from the landlord. We were unsuccessful, but he knew you were a good doggo.  You were so welcomed there and given the most love and attention.  That was the last place we traveled to, only five days before you became so sick.  I’m forever thankful for that last trip with you.

Linc, over the past week all I have done is reflect on our twelve year journey together.  I feel immense gratitude that you were always by my side.  You gave me purpose, brought me joy, comfort, and security.  You healed me and I’m so incredibly sorry I wasn’t able to heal you in the end. I can’t even begin to count all the people who were praying for you, sending you healing vibes and pulling so hard for you. We have an incredible tribe and community.  You rescued me and were the constant in my life.  You grounded me.  You were loyal, my companion and best friend.  I hated leaving you and couldn’t wait to get home to you.  We had a lifetime of adventures, joy, and laughter. Even though it feels cut short, I’m thankful for every minute with you. You showed me the beauty and power of love and to be loved unconditionally.  Thank you, Lincy. You were the goodest boy with the purest heart and best soul and I can’t believe I was lucky enough to be your person.

For now, I’ll see you in my dreams.

“You know that place between sleep and awake, the place you can still remember dreaming? That’s where I will always love you. That’s where I will be waiting.” -Peter Pan

A heartbroken love rant for the goodest boy. ♡KT

And to everyone who donated to Linc’s GoFundMe, shared it, reached out to me, checked on us, came here to be with me and Linc, and supported us from near and far (and continue to do so through the grief), I am indebted to you. You gave me hope and kept me going every single day. I love you all and am so thankful for so many incredible people in my life who love me, but most importantly, loved Linc. Thank you.