This is 40…

TBH I felt like I lost my creativity for a bit. Nothing like the summer sun, sand, sweltering temps that make me think maybe I actually died and went to hell, and a milestone birthday to bring that creativity right back. I love reflecting on life, paths, growth, choices, etc. It seems cliche and unavoidable when I am celebrating a big birthday. One of my best friends is another deeply reflective person and was hitting me with the questions: Do you feel different? What are some things you’ve learned in your four decades of life? What goals do you have for your next decade? I didn’t feel different; I still don’t. I think I briefly responded to one of her Oprah Winfrey style questions, but didn’t think too much about it. Granted, I was also two shots and an orange crush in on what was the start of a day that mirrored my 21st birthday. After the high of the weekend wore off, I really took the time to reflect. Now, if you’d amuse an old lady, specifically the one in the picture on this blog post, please enjoy the lessons learned, advice, and ramblings of a fossil.

First and foremost, do the thing. Whatever it is, stop wishing for it and make it happen. Stop saying, “Oh, I’ll do it when…” Go out there and go for it. What is the worst that happens? You fail? That’s ok! That’s how you learn and grow. You’d forever regret if you didn’t try.

There is no right way to do life. Don’t want kids? Don’t have them. Don’t want to stay in one career? You don’t have to. Don’t want to get married? Don’t. If you want all of those things, go get them and do them and have them! It’s your life and only yours. You get to decide what you want and how it looks. Not your family. Not society. Not the government. Be happy and be fulfilled.

Don’t ever beg someone to do something with you or to be with you. Don’t ask them twice. No answer or response is an answer.

Actions mean more than words. Someone may be saying the absolute most to you and making you feel incredible. If their actions don’t match, then their words are not genuine.

Trust your instinct. It never fails you. At it’s best, it’s leading you to pay attention to something. At it’s worst, it’s teaching you to ask questions and communicate.

Don’t stay silent when someone mistreats you. Whether that is physical, verbal, mental or spiritual. Silence won’t make it better. It only teaches the person that it’s ok to do or say those things to you and that they will get away with it. It’s not “just a joke” if they are the only one that is laughing. You’re not too sensitive.

Believe a person when they show you who they are the first time. No, you can’t change them. If you see them being shady to others, calculated, manipulative, and using others for their personal gain, there is a high chance they will do that to you one day. They are showing you their truest self even if they are telling you, “oh I’d never do that to you.” They are transactional. When you no longer have what they need, or they can get it from someone else, they will treat you the same way you watched them treat all of the others that came before you. Pay attention to the red flags they wave with how they treat their family and other friends they claim they are close with. Pay attention to the stories they tell you about their past. Then, turn and run.

A friend to all is a friend to none.

Social media is fake. People portray themselves to you in the light that they want to be seen. It’s not always the mirror of who they actually are.

Stop spending your money on stupid shit. Save as much of it as you can AND have as many experiences as you can. Experiences over tangible items.

Avoid people who use kindness as a weapon and a tool. It’s not their way of life, but rather their strategy.

If you would never go to a certain person for advice, then don’t listen to their criticisms or judgements. They are projecting. AND if you are constantly offering “advice” without being specifically asked to do so, that’s not advice. Check yourself and learn to stay quiet and listen more if you want people to have deeper and more vulnerable relationships with you. Learn to ask people, “What do you need from me right now?” Unsolicited advice is exhausting and damaging to relationships.

Pay attention to who says they want to do things with you and who actually makes time to do so. Pay attention to who celebrates you publicly. Who posts about you and is proud to show you off to the rest of their people.

Just because you’ve known someone the longest, does not mean they know you the best. It also does not mean you owe them loyalty or your time. You are allowed to change and grow. Sometimes people change and grow with you and sometimes people are committed to knowing only past versions of you. That’s exactly where you can leave them…in the past. Just because someone is blood does not mean you are forced to have or maintain relationships with them. Keep the people that keep you. Keep the people that make the same effort to have you in their life as you do to keep them in your life. When you are growing up, you are forced to be around the people your parents are around…family and friends. As you grow up, you get to choose whether or not those people get to stay in your life and have access to you. They may not align with your morals or values and you have every right to choose not to give them access to you or be around them. Treat them the same way you would treat any other person who does not serve or align with you. Just because they are your parents’ friends or your family, does not mean you have to stay connected to them or owe them anything.

Your tribe is everything. Family, friends, coworkers. They show up not just during the highs, but the lows. Not just when the timing works out for them, but they will adjust their schedule to be there for you. Celebrate them. Hold them close. Don’t let them go.

You can’t control someone’s emotions. If they have a problem with you, but don’t tell you, then it’s not your problem. It’s not your job to seek them out to figure out what’s wrong. Healthy and emotionally mature people will tell you directly if they are upset and come to you with an issue. Healthy people don’t throw temper tantrums and wait for you to ask, “what’s wrong?” Healthy people don’t expect you to read minds. Healthy people don’t give the silent treatment or force others to walk on eggshells…that is just a form of emotional abuse. Healthy relationships come from a place where there is mutual respect, safety, trust, vulnerability and communication.

I am my most authentic and truest self in relationships with people who have courage as one of their personality traits. I mean pure and true courage which is needed to be honest, vulnerable, confident, gentle, to grow, to try. I’ll be the first to admit that I am not myself with everyone in my life. It’s my defense mechanism. Something I learned at a very young age. Even my therapist told me how good I am at masking, which is most definitely a trauma response. After I very sarcastically thanked her for complimenting me on my masking skills, she forced me to look at who I am when I can take the mask off and let people see me for my truest and most vulnerable self. Everyone gets a different version of me. However, there are a select few that get me at my best. My most comfortable. If you see me acting in a more vulnerable way around others than I do with some people, it’s because I feel the safest around them to be my truest form. I feel charged and energized after being around them because I have no walls. No defense mechanisms. No trauma responses. No history of pain or mistrust. Just courage at the root of it all. There is no fear of being hurt physically, mentally, or emotionally. They pull out a version of me that I’m the most proud of and love so much. Pay attention to how you feel when you’re around other people. That’s how you learn more about yourself.

For now, that’s all my geriatric mind can reflect on. Rant over.

♡KT