Am I Jealous or Envious?
Both emotions can prevent us from showing up fully for ourselves or others. Both can prevent us from reaching out and fully loving, supporting, or being happy for another person. These are tough emotions to deal with because they require us to look inward to understand the root of what we are feeling, where it comes from and to name the insecurity or fear in order to work through the jealousy or envy.
There are moments in life and relationships where we may look at someone and see them excelling, changing, and acquiring or trying something new. This can happen within our relationships with family, friends, colleagues or romantic partners. The feeling that we want to have for them is pure happiness and support, but that isn’t always what first presents itself. Individually, we may be struggling with friendship, family relationships, careers, romance, putting our voice or our vulnerable, authentic self out there for the world. Watching someone else excelling in an area we are insecure about, or fearful of losing/changing can be a mindfuck. Is there bitterness? Or the urge to shit talk? Do we make fun of that person, their change, or their accomplishment? Maybe time is spent trying to find something wrong or a flaw with what they are doing? In reality, this is just a projection of our own fears and insecurities. We are feeling either jealousy or envy and it’s important to understand the difference.
One of my favorite podcasts is ShrinkChicks which consists of two licensed marriage and family therapists who discuss many topics that we deal with in our everyday life. Earlier this month, they re-released an episode titled, “Jealousy is a Complex Emotion” and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since listening. They define jealousy as “our wish to not lose something we have.” This was my biggest “aha” moment and allowed me to grant myself grace when understanding things I may feel, or have felt jealous about, especially when looking at it from the lens of being afraid to lose something or someone. They define envy as “wanting something we don’t have.” Immediately, I felt clarity over the two emotions and how they often are mixed up and incorrectly identified.
We can feel envious over many things. Envy over wanting a bigger house, a partner, becoming a parent, a successful career, a new car, better self-esteem/self-worth, loyal friends, to be debt free, to be brave, etc. It’s this deep, sometimes painful feeling of wanting what someone else has. If we have ever felt envious towards someone else, how did that envy manifest within us? Did we react negatively to the envy or positively? A negative reaction could look like joining in with other colleagues, friends or even family who are talking poorly about that person. Another negative reaction could be making passive aggressive comments or belittling. A positive reaction could look like genuinely complimenting or congratulating the person, asking them how they are feeling, or even asking for their advice because their feedback is valued. Looking within and naming the insecurity we are feeling, allows for a more supportive and positive connection. The same can be said for jealousy.
Jealousy can make people feel threatened, protective, or fearful of losing our position or situation with someone else. Jealousy is something that is completely natural and makes all of us human. Think about children of young ages discovering they will no longer be the only child. They may fear not being the favorite or fear a change in attention being solely on them, resulting in a jealous feeling toward their new sibling. This is something that naturally occurs within us. Change is scary and when change is out of our control and the fear of losing something coincides with change, it is natural to feel jealousy. This isn’t something to feel shameful or embarrassed about, but rather an opportunity to talk about it and look within at our insecurities and fears.
Jealousy can often show up in close relationships; both romantic and platonic. When there is someone new brought into the relationship, jealousy pops up and we may feel threatened or protective over our relationship. We may be afraid of our relationship changing or afraid of losing the other person completely. When we look within, we may find that this emotion stems from something much deeper from past relationships that we need to heal: people abandoning us, people being disloyal or untrustworthy, replacing us, cheating on us, or a relationship changing.
The takeaway here, is that when those feelings of envy and jealousy come up, there are always two choices in the reaction. A positive and supportive response or a negative and destructive response. Reacting to our own envy and jealousy instead of addressing it, could push people away and cause more distance and friction within a relationship we may already be feeling insecure about. If the response is negative, it’s important to examine the what and why. What is this bringing up inside of us and why does it feel this way? Grant grace. No matter if the feeling is jealousy or envy; grant grace to everyone involved, including ourselves. If someone is coming to us expressing feelings of envy and jealousy, listen to them and grant them grace. It is hard to admit those feelings and emotions. If we are the ones feeling the envy or jealousy, grant ourselves grace while exploring these emotions within ourselves and communicating them to others. It takes a lot of courage to bring up those feelings to someone we care about. These emotions can bring us closer to our people as long as both parties involved are vulnerable, open minded, judgment free, and a safe space to share. Communicating our feelings of jealousy and envy with someone we have a mutual respect with allows for a deeper understanding and connection. Communicating any insecurity allows for people in mutually respected relationships to be more caring for one another, giving more reassurance in the relationship and allowing both people to grow stronger individually and together. Friendships and relationships change along with life changes that people experience, such as getting married, moving, having babies, changing careers, divorce, loss etc. Being able to communicate about how to regroup and remain close is essential to squelching any feelings of jealousy or envy. If we ever find ourselves in a situation where we don’t feel safe to communicate those feelings to the person we have any kind of relationship with, we must examine why they are not a safe place for us to be vulnerable and make necessary adjustments. That alone could be the reason behind the jealous or envious feelings because trust and safety seem to be lacking.
When emotions of jealousy are present, the first place we need to look is within. Name the insecurity or fear. Before communicating those emotions out, make sure we are in a relationship with someone emotionally mature enough to listen to us, not judge or make us feel less than, be vulnerable with us and willing to help us work our way through those feelings. Most importantly, grant ourselves and one another grace.
Gentle Rant Over. ♡KT
